WRITE NOW THERAPY!

Do you wonder why you can’t seem to make yourself happy? Does it feel like you will never get out of the funk you are in? I’ve lived there plenty in my life. The problem usually is that we have been taught throughout our life that happiness is somewhere else or that happiness is unreachable.

We may have lived in a situation where our parental role models struggled with their plight of unhappiness and reinforced that message to us. They also may have surrounding themselves with maladaptive behaviors, most likely addictions, that caused further grief in their own and our lives.

The world and society likely also contributed to our immovable unhappiness by reinforcing definitions of happiness that aren’t true happiness. The idea that money and fame creates happiness is a proven myth. If the rich and famous are so happy why do so many of their famous lives end in premature death from suicide or drug overdoses? The richer they get, the more disappointed emotionally they can become because what they thought was happiness wasn’t happy at all.

You likely have heard that happiness isn’t a destination, it’s a journey. It isn’t about accomplishing something great and then you will be happy. When we think this, we find out when we accomplish that goal, that it didn’t fulfill the happiness quota we thought it would. Then we are off to the next goal of accomplishment to see if that makes us happy. “If I can complete this goal, then I will be happy. If I make this amount of money, then I will be happy. If I win this award, then I can be happy. If I get this many social media followers or likes then I will be happy.” None of those things ultimately are fulfilling enough to make you happy.

WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?

So what does make you happy? Certainly, there are times in your life that you remember as happy times. Happy moments or memories of the past you see with fondness or happiness. What about those moments of happiness you can recall?

Within all of us are the gifts of making ourselves happy. Life can do all sorts of things to beat that out of us. But you, yourself, have within you what is needed to reroute your life to happiness.

Take out a piece of paper and pen right now. Do this. I want you to write down those days or moments you can recall in your life as happiness. Brainstorm a bit and write a list of times in your life that you remember being happy. These can be from when you were a kid or in a good relationship or really enjoyed what you were doing in life. Go on. Take the time right now and do it. I’ll wait.

After you have written down the times you recall being happy. I want you to look at that list and write down next to each item why it made you happy. Not just that it was fun or exciting or passionate. Write about the emotions each brought out in you.

For example, one of the days I remember feeling happy was a day my wife and I drove to our favorite beach. I can remember the “dumb” song on the radio and the sun, breeze and natural surroundings of the area. Why this made me happy emotionally was the simple perfection of the moment. It was just me and her, nature, a car, road, and beach. That was all I needed. It brought a sense of complete security for me. I had everything I needed to be happy and beyond the car, there was no monetary attachment to the happiness.

Look at your list and try and determine why you were happy. What you felt in that moment of happiness. What feeling or emotion made you happy? Was it a sense of complete security? Was it a feeling of being loved and not alone? What it a sense of being proud of yourself/an accomplishment?

YOUR LIST OF HAPPY MEMORIES

Creating a list of happiness memories can help us define what happiness looks like for ourselves. Take the list and break down each memory as to what the key element is. In my example, it was security and simple pleasure that created the happiness for me. No accomplishment. No amount of money or fame. It was feeling the warm sun, natural surround, and being with the person I loved who also loved me that made me happy.

When we are depressed, happiness can be hard to find. Even happy memories from the past can get buried behind the gray day depression we live in. Or perhaps your problem is you know you have everything in your life that should make you happy but you aren’t. Like I mentioned above, it is likely possible you have been trained to believe that happiness is for other people. It may also be that you aren’t looking for your happiness in the right place. This is what the list of happy memories will remind you of.

This exercise in recalling happiness from your past shows you that neither problem is true. Luckily for us, memory creates fondness for things we have already lived. Memory tucks in, even in the most depressed state, things we recall from “the good ol’ days.” It is those things you need to fight to recall in your current state. If you can find moments in your past of happiness, then you know you can create new moments that will do the same in your future.

You can find happiness in memories of the past even if they were from you being a kid. Like I said above, think of the memory and break down what is linked to happiness in your mind. Is it being a kid and being care-free without adult responsibility? Was it a first love and the exploring new emotions? Was it spending time with a family member who is no longer around but made you feel loved and secure? From those happy memories we find that having care-free time, exploration of new emotions, and loving security brought you happiness. Now how do you find new ways to find those same feelings?

WHAT CAN YOU DO TODAY TO MAKE YOU HAPPY?

If you need time to be care-free of your adult responsibilities what can you do for yourself? What type of “play time” can you engage in? Are you an adventure seeker? Would sky diving do that for you? Or is it as simple as spending time roller skating again like you did as a kid? Swimming? Going down a slide or playing on a swing set? Roller coaster? Play is an important part of living both as a kid or adult. Sadly, as adults social constructs force us to think “play” is a waste of time, foolish, and unnecessary. You need to tell yourself, “who cares?” and do what you want anyway.

If your memories of happiness is about exploring new emotions or long lost emotions? How can you bring those into your life? What would it be like to be in a playful, romantic relationship again? What can bring you new exhilaration? Certainly, play suggestions above can do that. What about a new friendship? Joining a group of people who share your love for movies or a hobby you have? Time to laugh or be with new people – that is a way to find new happy emotions.

Finally, in my examples, how can you find security for yourself? How about spending time with someone you know loves you; a grandparent, parent, aunt/uncle, child, cousin – someone you know that brings you loving security. Maybe you plan a trip to go see them or ask them to lunch or to a movie. Spend time with someone who’s love brings you a sense of security.

Perhaps your security comes from the peace of being in nature. My own example speaks to that. Nature and natural settings can bring a person tremendous peace. Whether it is the beach or a forest, mountain setting, desert or river, peaceful, grounded security in nature can bring happiness.

HAPPINESS ISN’T FOR SOMEONE ELSE. IT’S FOR YOU!

I understand it is not easy to find happiness especially if we are looking in the wrong places. Happiness, like memories teach us, aren’t complicated. It can be found in simple memories or activities. It isn’t about being popular or famous or rich – so forget that. If your social community has taught you that, it isn’t true. Happiness isn’t for someone else. It is for you.

If you continue to struggle to find things in your life that make you happy, I want you to reach out to be personally. I encourage you to write to me via email at brian@writenowtherapy.com (?). I will warn you, I am likely to press you to stretch yourself and do the work necessary to break free from whatever is holding you back from being happy. I am likely to suggest some resources I find helpeful in a quest for happiness. I lived life like you did and I found my path to happiness over decades of struggle. My goal is to get you on your happiness journey quicker than I found it. That would make me happy.