WRITE NOW THERAPY!

If you are tired of living your life for everyone else, you may not know it, but you’re in a good place. How so? You’ve finally acknowledged what the problem is. Number one – you’re tired. Number two –  you realize you aren’t living for yourself. You’re acknowledging this is the first step to changing things. Good job! You’re here!

We’ve been taught that it is better to give than it is to receive. True enough but that doesn’t mean we give everything we have away including ourselves and all our energy and dedication. In order to give, you need to be able to receive your own gift. Your own gift of your time and talents. We are not good to anyone else if we aren’t taking care of ourselves.

YOU NEED SELF-CARE FIRST

A life minus our own self care is no life at all. We aren’t put here on the planet to be martyrs. Ultimately if we give everything including ourselves, our worth, our esteem, there really isn’t anything left to give to someone else. You can argue that is the point isn’t it? If I’m a parent, my plot in life is to give everything I can to my children.

Yes, you are responsible to take care of your children but what kind of life do you want for your son and daughter? Do you want a better life for them than you had or the one you are having?

As a parent, the answer to that question is rather easy; of course, I do. Here’s the part that is missing from your giving until it hurts sacrifice of self mentality; your children are watching you and will mimic you in their own life. If they see you giving everything of yourself away including your own enjoyment (and I’m talking about more than that nightly glass of wine or beer), they will fall into the same patterns.

THEY’RE WATCHING YOU!

Those monkeys jumping on beds, are also monkey see monkey do kids who learn how to live life by watching you. You may be telling yourself that your kids are different they don’t see you, “I hide my pain well, or no one is paying attention to what I am going through.” The truth is, you’re wrong. They may be focused on other things like video games or playing sports or Youtubing their life away, but just like you have, they have peripheral vision. It’s also memory-making vision. While their mind is being filled with playing and gaming and texting and music, glimpses of YOU are tucked in like memories for later recovery.

Think about your own life. As a kid you were no different from them. You spent your time playing and gaming, riding bikes or skateboards, listening to your own kind of music and living your childhood life. But you have your own memory visions of your parents from your childhood perspective. Think about that. How do you see your mom or dad from when you were a kid. What were they doing? How can you recognize what you remember them doing in yourself?

Before you pour yourself another glass of wine or open another beer, recognizing where you are right now in your life of giving everything you have to others is the first step forward. You have to understand that you are truly not your best if you are giving all your time and energy and happiness away to someone else. Whether you are living everything for your kids or spouse or parents, you need to stop now and make time for yourself.

TRUST ME, YOU HAVE THE TIME. MAKE IT!

“Well, I don’t have any extra time for myself.” Sorry for the language (see language), I call bullshit! You make choices everyday to avoid doing things for yourself. Your devotion to others has made them extremely dependent on you and maybe that is where you get your joy in life but you’re here now reading this so some joy must be missing. Besides what are you teaching others? To expect and demand everything from someone else? What happened to the it’s better to give then receive statement you were leaning on?

“But you said they’re watching and mimicking me. So they’re learning to give like I give.” True enough. However, how do you feel right now? Is how you are feeling about being depleted and empty yourself what you want them to feel?

Only when we are taking care of ourselves are we able to take care of others. Don’t get me wrong. I know as a parent there are stages in child-rearing that demand nearly all your attention. A newborn baby solely dependent on you needs nearly all you can give during those first months, if not years. But like any other animal, there is a time you need to nudge them a little toward independence.

The same thing can happen with an aging parent. The cycle of life begins and ends with total dependence on someone else. Those periods will require complete commitment to the care of someone else. Luckily those periods are just the beginning and end and not infinite. They do come to an end. As does child-rearing in general. At some point your little ones will need and want to fly the nest and sail away on their own. That growing independence within a person is innate.

They will eventually want to get out on their own. The only thing that will hold them back, honestly, is you. Your need to hold onto them indefinitely will keep them home or bring them back home to nest all over again. There are times when they are dependence on you but there also comes a time when your dependence on them is what is holding them back.

Where are you in that relationship right now? You’ll need to figure that out yourself. Journaling or writing a list or pros & cons should tell you what you already know. You just need to be honest with yourself about it. Are you helping or hurting others when you are overly committed to them? How will they be able to manage without you if you don’t show them independence?

FEELING LIKE YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOUR LIFE IS RESOLVABLE

My point is that the feeling like you are living your life for everyone else (children, husband, partner, parents) and have nothing for yourself is resolvable. It has consequences that effect more than yourself. Giving is great when you can do so in healthy ways.

You’re here right now because you feel like you’re losing yourself to others. The next step is developing ways you can give back to yourself. What can you do today, right now, just for yourself and for no one else? What is one small thing you can do that will bring you personal and independent joy? What is something you wish you had time for right now? Time to read? A puzzle book? A soaking bath? A jog? A cigar? A candy bar all to yourself? OMG! Could you imagine?

DISCONNECT YOURSELF

The one thing I will preface this with is to choose something not related to your phone. If you are going to read, put your phone down and pick up a book or tablet and read. Disconnect yourself from that needy, attention-sucking phone. Separate yourself from it while you do the one small thing that can bring you joy.

You may say you get a lot of joy scrolling through your phone or playing games on it. Studies have shown that due to a phone’s nature of notifications (distractions), we never really separate ourselves from it and sadly you’re feeling like you live for everyone else is also directly tied to your phone “Friend.”

If you have no other reading or puzzle device than your phone, you need to put your phone on “airplane” mode. You also need to make a small investment in yourself and buy an inexpensive reading tablet, paperback, or puzzle book. Being able to separate yourself and mind from others and the world is important in your own self-care routines. A phone is NOT a self-care device. Stop fooling yourself . If you can’t, you need to take the 30 day no media challenge where you turn off all notifications except important family/friend ringtones (not text or media notifications). You need a media diet in order to dissect yourself from your dependence on your phone “friend.”

MAKE A LIST OF SELF-CARE ACTIVITIES

That said, take out a piece of paper and pen or your personal journal and brainstorm what you can do for your own self-care. This list can include anything that is non-media related. Sorry no phone (what is with this guy and phones? READ THIS), no TV, no videos, no movies, series binging. Your list of self-care ideas needs to be media unplugged. And yes, I know, we all use media of our own choosing for our own amusement and entertainment. However, you’re here still reading this because you don’t feel like you do anything (or enough of anything) for yourself. You’re clearly not getting enough out of the time you spend on your phone or binge-watching. Put the denial down.

Start a list of things you can do for yourself and your own self-care ideas.

Here are some examples (these are just ideas…you need to put in your own time to create your own unique list. Don’t be lazy. This is about YOU not me):

Here are some ideas for self-care: Taking a shower or relaxing bath, giving yourself a facial; lifting weights, doing yoga, taking a walk, hike or jog; reading, drawing, painting, writing; sewing, knitting, woodworking, building; going for a drive, to the park, to the beach or mountains; taking up a hobby, joining a group, playing a sport; or just sitting in the sun outside with some lemonade to just watch the sky go by and listen to the birds.

These are just ideas to get your brain going. You know yourself. If you don’t think you do, it is because you need to disconnect yourself from the world around you and listen to the silence and think about what brings you joy away from family or your media device.

Take the time now to brainstorm a list – make it long. Keep adding to it and refer back to it often. You can check them off as you do them. Going back to your favorites and checking them off multiple times is a great way to recall what brings you’re the most joy quickly.

20 MINUTES IS ALL YOU NEED

Then you need to look for a time in your day to do a small thing for yourself everyday. Could be only 20 minutes. YOU HAVE THE TIME! You need to stop telling yourself you don’t. Find it or make it. Get up earlier or to bed later.

Then find a time during your week for something bigger on your list. Something you want to do that takes longer than 15-20 minutes. Plan on doing that one thing seven days or less from now. Make it 30-45 minutes just once a week.

Start today doing daily small things for yourself and plan ahead for something bigger you can do within the week. That will give you something to look forward to. Let people around you know your plan (keeping it only to yourself makes it less real). When you start doing this, you will start to spark the joy you can get from small self-care thigs you can do in life. This will lead you to a habit of care for yourself. Think of it like a lit candle, you need to take care of it to keep the candle lit. If you snuff it out you need to get it relit right away.

It is time to take the next step. You have already taken the first step. Take the next small step of creating a list, then planning for it every day and once a week and let the light of self-care take you outside of what you know now. Believe it or not, you will ultimately be better for those you care for when you take care of yourself. Plus, you set an example for the future.